The Ol' Curmudgeon and company take a good screwin'

My sister and brother-in-law have a small airplane and flew down the Friday before Labor Day. It was decided that we would fly down to Ocracoke Island on Saturday morning and then come back on Sunday afternoon. I went into the computer and got some phone numbers of bed and breakfasts. My sister Jan called several and found that they were all booked up. The last one that we called said that they had a room for a hundred and fifty dollars but at that price we would get no breakfast. We reluctantly agreed and departed for Ocracoke early Saturday morning. We had an uneventful flight which took about an hour and a half. We had been instructed to call the B&B when we arrived and someone would be sent to pick us up. Ol' Billy Bob arrived, in a Ford Escort station wagon about ten minutes after we called. We should have suspected that something wasn't right when ol' Billy Bob opened the rear hatch and we gazed at a floorboard filled with plastic water bottles, old oil cans, dirty rags and many other items that were long overdue for a trip to the local dump. We gingerly placed our over night bags on the top of this rubble and climbed into the dusty back seat. Ol Billy Bob asked us if we wanted to see the room before paying for it and I said that I didn't think that would be nesesary. I figured that it had to be okay after all we were paying one hundred and fifty dollars for it. WRONG!!! Ol Billy Bob took us to the main office and Pat went in and paid. He then drove us around briefly to show us the area and finally pulled into the driveway of a brown weathered house that had been in need of paint and TLC since Moby Dick was a minnow. The driveway was partially filled with a wingless blue airplane with a caved in roof. The wings were piled behind it on the ground. The front yard was covered with shingle pieces with weeds growing everywhere. Beside this mess was a brush pile and a tree stump that some inebriated carpenter had tried to fashion into a table. It was a thing of wonder. A monkey with a rubber hammer and a bucket of nails could have done better. Ol' Billy Bob didn't delay in escorting us up the stairway. I hung back as I wasn't sure that the stairs would hold all of us. The balcony at the top of the stairs was decorated with planter boxes filled with twelve inch tall brown cedars that Mother Nature had planted but forgotten to water. Ol' Billy Bob slid the screen on the sliding door open and it immediately jumped the track. The glass on the sliding doors was filthy and had probably last been washed when the airplane was new. We entered the hallway and were impressed by the orange shag carpet and the lovely plywood paneling. The seventies look! He stuck a key in the plywood patched door to our room and swung the door open.There was more orange shag carpeting on the floor and someones lame attempt at artwork hung on the wall. A nineteen inch TV sat on a shelf in the corner. The beds did look well made and clean as did the small bathroom. Ol" Billy Bob didn't waste any time exiting after handing over the key. I guess he figured that he would make his exit while our mouths were still hanging open and before the shock of what we were seeing wore off. We looked at one another and bitched and laughed. The women peeled back the covers of the beds and took a close look. They looked clean. Ol' Billy Bob had told us to stay out of the kitchen so we had to peek at that. We wouldn't have gone in there with the Pope's blessing. A ten inch plank about six feet above the floor extended from one wall to the other. We could only guess at it's purpose. We decided to make the best of our screwin' and changed clothes and went into town. We arrived back at the room about 5:30 P.M. and began to get cleaned up to go out to dinner. Jan came out of the shower laughing. " You'll have to run around in there in order to get wet!" She said." The stream of water is about one inch wide!" Duaine came out after shaving and told us that the drain plug in the sink was stuck in the down position and that he could not get it loose. "You will have to scoop the water out with one of the plastic cups and throw it in the toilet!" We just shook our heads and laughed. I got cleaned up and joined Jan and Duaine on the balcony while Pat got ready. Plastic bags had blown into the trees that were right behind their heads. That, the dead cedars, and the step ladder added to the ambience. I wiped the grime from a plastic chair with several damp Kleenexs and sat down to wait for Pat. Jan and Duaine laughed as they had had to do the same thing. We went to the Back Porch Restaurant and had a great dinner and returned to our room about 9:00 P.M. to watch a little TV before going to sleep. The beds were clean but uncomfortable and we slept fitfully. I couldn't help wondering whether something was going to be chewing on my body as I slept. Ol' Billy Bob took us back to the airport on Sunday morning. Duaine mentioned the stuck drain stopper and ol" Billy Bob said,"Hmmm." Pat and Jan say that they will write to the Ocracoke Chamber Of Commerce as well as the board of health. I don't nesesaarily agree with this. I mean what should you expect for a mere hundred and fifty?

The Ol' Curmudgeon